How do I cope with being called back to the office while my mother needs me?
As demand grows for employees to go back to the office after spending the post-Covid period mostly working from home, carers are facing conflict. Nia has been supporting her mother with a little help from a paid carer, but is now struggling to balance her mother’s needs with her own career. Dr Lesley Trenner offers insight and advice.
Dear Lesley
My mother is 85. She is still very alert although her memory and mobility are declining. We have a close relationship, but she has always been very demanding.
I have a senior role in a large corporate. Since Covid I work mostly from home and a carer comes in one day a week so I can go into the office. HR are now saying that everyone must be on site at least four days a week but I just don’t see how I can do that.
My mother hates having carers and expects me to be constantly available. She says the company don’t know what they’re talking about and that I’m being selfish.
To be honest, I think I do need to go into the office more often. My mother frequently interrupts me when I’m working. Even if I’m on a Zoom call she comes in and starts making demands, so I have to turn off the sound and video.
I miss out on so much both professionally and socially. I’m worried that if I give in I will lose my life but if I don’t comply I will the lose the job l love. I’m feeling really guilty and conflicted.
Nia
Hi Nia
That sounds really stressful. Trying to satisfy the needs of your employer and your mother is pulling you in two different directions. You also have your own needs. I fear these are getting a bit lost in the turmoil.
Pros and cons of working from home
Before the pandemic, ‘working from home’ was sometimes seen as an easy way to ‘skive’. Then came Covid and attitudes changed. Post-pandemic many companies implemented a hybrid system meaning that they could reduce budgets for office space and also offer staff more flexibility. This worked particularly well for staff with caring responsibilities.
More recently, there has been a lot of debate about the pros and cons of home-working. There are certainly benefits. But employees also talk about missing in-person opportunities to network, build strong teams and negotiate office politics. Some organisations, mostly the larger corporates, say productivity improves when everyone spends more time in the office
What are your options?
I wonder if you have asked your employer if there is any room for manoeuvre in this situation. What does your manager say? There must be other parents and carers in a similar situation and hopefully some allowances can be made
It also sounds like you are feeling somewhat isolated and I suspect your mental health is suffering. Maybe have a chat with your GP who can provide information about specialist services and emotional support for family carers.
It’s often a struggle working out how much we ‘should’ look after ageing parents and my clients nearly always talk about feeling guilty, whatever they decide. That said, not many ‘adult children’ feel it is their duty to look after elderly parents to the exclusion of all else – especially clients who need or want to work.
You say that your mother is demanding and doesn’t respect your working space. Perhaps she genuinely isn’t clear when you are available and when not. Or she simply feels entitled to your attention regardless. Either way, I think it would be helpful for you to set clearer boundaries and expectations. Examples might be a ‘do not disturb’ sign for important meetings, or a promise to have lunch with her at 1 o’clock. And then stick to that.
I’m a little concerned that you sometimes have to turn off Zoom. This must be distracting for you and it can make you appear less engaged. It could have a negative impact on your career which is so important to you.
Decision time
I think you need to be really clear-eyed about your options:
- Give up work and become a full-time carer, if that’s financially viable
- Talk to your manager and/or HR to see if there’s a compromise. Then whether you’re in the office or at home, try to be fully present. Be clear with your mother – and yourself – what you can and can’t do.
- Work on ways to get back to the office. This would mean researching good care for your mother, either privately or via social services. You’d then need to have a very calm and assertive conversation with your mother about what is going to happen and that it’s non-negotiable. She won’t be happy about this and will try to guilt trip you, so look for ways to get support in managing the details and coping with the guilt.
These are tough choices. Unfortunately I can’t tell you what to decide, but I do think this is a good time to review your values and priorities. Sadly, your mother’s health is likely to decline further and her demands increase. And she won’t be around for ever. You, on the other hand, still have a lot of life to live. If you can resolve this dilemma now, and plan ahead, I believe you will feel a lot better in the long run.
Lesley
Dr Lesley Trenner is an eldercare coach with extensive qualifications and experience in life coaching. Lesley provides one-to-one help for people who are struggling to cope with the ’emotional rollercoaster’ of eldercare or balance caring responsibilities with a busy career. You can talk to Lesley via Zoom or on the phone. Email Lesley or call 07919 880 250 for a free introductory chat. You can also visit her Facebook page.
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