How long can I juggle caring for a father with complex needs with my career?
Peter has to look after his father because he has complex needs, but Peter also needs his career to maintain his own sanity. Dr Lesley Trenner offers advice on how to juggle his needs with those of his father.
Dear Lesley
My father is 69 and has bipolar disorder. He’s always been a difficult man but as he’s getting older his behaviour is becoming more and more erratic. I do my best to look after him but I also need to work. To be honest, my career is really important to me and probably the only thing keeping me sane. But because of my father’s problems I feel like I always have to put his needs first. It’s getting to the point where I’m so stressed I don’t know if I can I do all of this any more. Please help.
Peter
Hi Peter
That’s such a tough situation for you. Sadly, you’re not alone. As an eldercare coach I often hear from working carers who are trying to juggle work and care. They tell me:
- I feel like I’m doing two jobs. Badly
- It’s so hard I’m thinking about leaving – that’s if I don’t get sacked. But I like working and I really need the money
- I’m getting more aches, pains and illnesses and my mental health is going downhill too
You’re probably just struggling to get by day-to-day but I’m wondering if you’re are able to step back a bit and consider your options?
You don’t say if your father has carers or other support – it sounds like most of the burden lands on you. You also say you feel like you need to put his needs first but of course, you have needs too.
Society often suggests that it’s our duty, as children of ageing parents, to look after them. But in some situations this just isn’t possible, especially if they have complex needs. Ageing often brings a variety of challenges and bipolar disorder certainly takes its toll on families.
Depending on how your father’s condition progresses and his general health, it may come to the point where you have to bring in care at home or find a suitable care home. Otherwise you may be faced with an emergency such as a medical issue or a complete mental breakdown. And then you might be forced to put something in place a hurry even if it’s not the best solution. Or you may be the one who cracks, or can no longer work which brings further problems.
Even if you have reasons for not wanting to go down this route, having a plan for the future could take some of the pressure off. And it may be that you do think it could be a good idea and once you start investigating, you’ll find the solution that works best for you and your father.
In the meantime it’s important to look after your own wellbeing. This will also mean that you have more strength to look after your father.
Self Care Tips
Talk about your feelings
Carers need a place to offload, reflect, make decisions. Sometimes friends and family are more supportive than you expect. Other times they try to impose their opinions on you or just don’t really understand. So you might prefer to open up to a professional who can offer a safe and confidential space.
Talk to your manager
If you have an HR department this may be a good place to start. Or if you trust your manager, talk to them or another trusted colleague. Choose what and when to disclose, especially if caring is impacting your performance at work. Be specific about what you need, whether that’s emotional or practical support. Try to offer win-win solutions. Reinforce how much you value your career – help them to help you.
Get organised
Try to create a routine and stay on top of appointments at work and at home. Without catastrophising, plan ahead for when things might go wrong. For example, think about who could stand in for you at meetings and what work you can delegate if you’re called away for an emergency.
Stay healthy
Easy to say, hard to do! But it’s the usual suspects – exercise, healthy eating, fresh air. Try to avoid ‘self-medicating’ with alcohol or comfort food.
Try to get a break
Respite makes a big difference. If at all possible, plan some time away. This could be an opportunity to bring in family support if available, or paid carers. Even leaving the room to calm down and breathe deeply for five minutes can help, as can a chat or a beer with a friend. Relaxation, diversion and humour help us gain perspective. (Did you know that in the UK the NHS is trialling comedy as a potential treatment for mental health problems?)
Ask for help
You are only human. Ideally, build a backup team around you at home and at work. Don’t wait until you’re at the end of your tether. Be specific about what you need but don’t expect miracles. Over time, try to get phone numbers for helpful neighbours, perhaps long-lost relatives, or your father’s old friends and colleagues. There might also be support in the local community. And if you haven’t already done so, do contact social services who will ideally make a visit to see your father and assess his needs. Finally, do tell your GP you’re a carer and make sure you look after your own physical health.
I do wish you good luck with all of this. Readers will understand what a hard road it is being a family carer, especially when you’re working as well.
Lesley
Dr Lesley Trenner is an eldercare coach with extensive qualifications and experience in life coaching. Lesley provides one-to-one help for people who are struggling to cope with the ’emotional rollercoaster’ of eldercare or balance caring responsibilities with a busy career. You can talk to Lesley via Zoom or on the phone. Email Lesley or call 07919 880 250 for a free introductory chat. You can also visit her Facebook page.
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