Does my mum actually hate me or is she really my best friend?
A volatile mother who is constantly switching from best friend to worst critic can leave a caring adult child confused and disappointed. How can a daughter (or son) protect themselves from the heartache without walking away completely? Dr Lesley Trenner offers insights and ideas.
Dear Lesley
I’m 36 years old. I’ve always told myself my mom is my best friend – but I’m starting to come to the stark realisation that it’s not true.
I’m emailing you because I want you to tell me I’m overreacting. That I’m making a mountain out of a molehill – but I don’t feel that’s the case.
She is really funny and sweet and quirky. She always has been. Growing up I always said I wanted to be just like my mom when I grew up. She always dressed me up in pretty outfits and cute bows. Always told me how pretty I am and smart. How I can do anything I set my mind to. When she would get mad or had a bad day it was a very different story. She would yell at me ‘damn the day you were ever born; or ‘you’re such a mother f*er’. I remember being five or six years old and thinking how I needed to show my mom how grateful I was for the fact I was even born or for all that she did for me.
We would laugh a lot and joke around. I was able to tell her stuff in confidence, and she would give me advice as best to her ability. She helped me work through issues or rectify if I ever made a mistake. I remember being nine years old or so and being so nervous to go home though, because I didn’t know what version of her I would encounter. If I would get in trouble.
I was a pretty good kid – good grades, not rebellious. I missed a curfew once and stayed out all night in high school one time and didn’t call. But aside from that was pretty mundane. I was anorexic in those years, and my mom did struggle to find me help. I know she was worried. Funnily enough though nowadays she says that I wasn’t that easy of a kid. That I put her through so much (cue my eating disorder) and that ‘yeah you were okay’.
Fast forward some other dramatic instances and moments to today. I try so hard to keep her happy. Travel to see her. Ask her if she needs anything. Buy her really gorgeous presents and always do her errands for her. And she yells at me when she doesn’t understand something. Yells at me when she doesn’t agree, when she wants me to stop talking, etc. She will tell me not to visit her. Damn the day I was born. Once after my dad died she told me she wished I had died. She takes every opportunity to tell me how much she hates the style of glasses I’m wearing because they make me look older. I don’t know why that bothers me so much, but it does.
I hate being in my childhood home. I never want to come down because I already have expectations. The first day is always pretty nice and actually makes me start to think things will be different. I actually get so sad that I had the expectations that I had because I love my mom so much. By the second day (usually) sometimes all the way to the third, she has proved my original expectations correct.
I want you to tell me I’m wrong and all this is normal but if it were I probably wouldn’t be crying in my childhood bathroom (not for the first time) writing this email.
Please help
Marissa
Hi Marissa
I felt so sad reading your email and also angry on your behalf. It’s not for me to ‘diagnose’ your mother but it’s clear that that she has narcissistic tendencies. This must be incredibly confusing for you and I notice in your email how you switch from telling me how sweet she is and then reporting all the horrible things she does to you. Whilst you are not alone, this kind of setup is absolutely not normal, and you don’t have to put up with it. There are some very clear signs that you are unhappy and perhaps always have been: you have or have had anorexia, you are traumatised by visiting the family home, you cry alone in your bedroom.
I work with many clients who tell a similar story. Mostly, but not always, it’s mothers and daughters. I’ve become very familiar with the how the mothers behave, and also how the daughters respond as they keep trying to gain the unconditional maternal love they deserve, whilst also trying to protect themselves from constant disappointment and pain.
Typical behaviour of a ’narcissistic’ mother
- Switching randomly from being your ‘best friend’ to being abusive – compliments followed by hostility and insults
- ‘Love bombing’ used as manipulation. Seeming acts of kindness are later thrown back at the daughter if she isn’t appreciative or obedient enough. In your case, you are expected to be super-grateful for anything she does for you – even giving birth!
- Not taking responsibility. When things go wrong it’s someone else’s fault, usually the daughter
- Letting it be known that to gain approval, the daughter has to be clever, successful, well behaved, pretty. I wonder if that was why the criticism of your glasses hurt so much – ‘she definitely won’t love me now because she thinks I’m old and unattractive’
- Constantly wanting more attention but giving mixed messages eg visit me more often; I don’t want to see you, go away
Typical response of the daughter of a narcissistic mother
- Desperately trying to anticipate what the mother wants and needs and then doing whatever it takes to gain her approval
- Holding on to the idea that, bottom line, mom is a wonderful person, albeit with a few bad habits, and we love each other
- Accepting that this is just normal family life. Believing that it is their job to look after mother and always has been, rather than the other way round. This gets even more complicated as the mother ages and might genuinely need support
Why does your mother behave this way?
It is possible that your mother has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). This shows up as an extreme focus on oneself, a desperate need for admiration, a tendency to belittle others, a lack of empathy.
She may have another mental health condition that has never been diagnosed but I doubt she would be willing to have it investigated.
She may have had severe problems in her own upbringing, never learned empathy and simply doesn’t know how to ‘mother’ a child. She may be projecting her own fears and inadequacies onto her daughter: you look older=I am getting older.
Compassion or awareness may help you take things less personally, but rather than dwelling on the reasons, I think it is time to move on from worrying about your mother and start focusing on yourself. You are an adult now – only 36. Time to create the life you really want!
What to do?
- Step back and acknowledge what’s going on. Do a reality check. Ask yourself how you would behave if you had your own daughter
- Accept that your mother will not change
- Ask yourself some tough questions. Do you really love her, does she really love you? What does real love look like?
- Stop thinking about how to please your mother. Do not try to anticipate her moods because they are unpredictable. Do not buy her presents – no matter how much thought you put into gifts her love cannot be bought
- Set some very clear boundaries for yourself. For example, what language is OK for you? For me, calling your own child a ‘mother-f*cker’ is completely unacceptable. It’s also abusive because it’s suggesting that you are screwing your own mother up simply by existing.
- Decide how often you want to go and visit. The answer could be anything from never, to once a year or, to once a week but only one hour at a time. Whatever you decide is completely legitimate.
- Change the dynamic. You do not have to confide in your mother or ask for her help. You do not have to put up with her telling you when to be quiet. You do not have to accept her aggression. You can walk away, end a phone call, or simply put earphones on and tune out. Ultimately, she probably needs you more than you need her and although it may not seem that way now, you can call the shots.
I certainly think you would benefit from talking to someone who understands what you’re going through, can help you see through the gaslighting and find strategies to move forward step by step. I would be very happy to have a chat with you. Or you could seek face to face support from a local counsellor.
I do know all of this is incredibly difficult. Your mother has groomed you from a very young and impressionable age. Doing anything different will feel strange and uncomfortable and she will try to make you feel guilty. But with practice it will get easier, especially if you keep reminding yourself that you are entitled to a better life.
I want to end by saying again that although the way your mother treats you does happen to other people, it’s certain isn’t normal. Far from telling you that you are wrong, I want to say that you are absolutely spot-on. Probably your gut knows this and that’s why you reached out, so good for you.
Wishing you determination and courage for the path ahead.
Lesley
Dr Lesley Trenner is an eldercare coach with extensive qualifications and experience in life coaching. Lesley provides one-to-one help for people who are struggling to cope with the ’emotional rollercoaster’ of eldercare or balance caring responsibilities with a busy career. You can talk to Lesley via Zoom or on the phone. Email Lesley or call 07919 880 250 for a free introductory chat. You can also visit her Facebook page.
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